You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
