Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
