I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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