I should be sponsored by Trojan
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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