when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
