I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he thought i was a dude.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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