i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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