I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
