I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
