God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
