I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize