She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
smell my finger.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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