its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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