Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
