I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
