my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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