my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
