you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
