you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize