Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
