I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
