got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
