I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
