tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
