you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
