kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize