Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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