Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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