I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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