I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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