Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
