Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
