Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
