were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
