listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
