just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
