Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
