the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
