I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize