I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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