what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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