You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
