The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
