I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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