I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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