i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
