I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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