my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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