So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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