Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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