I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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