This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
