When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
