My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
