Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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