omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
