Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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