if i can run in heels then i can drive
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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