I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
