I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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