I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
