We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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